~~Sunday, June 20, 2004~~

This is to be the last post on my blog before I leave...I'll be gone for two months give or take some breaks so try not to die without me people ::insert hysterical laugh here:: and all i have to say today is: stare out at the stars

BREAK... this is jessie muahaha i dont know who all reads this but diane is awesome and her and greg and i are all eating really good brownies, harlem shaking (actually jsut greg) and chillin like villians....welp here is back to dianes ranting readdddddddddy??? GO!

Diane here....1037 and i have to wake up at 4 AM for my flight....sitting here listen to lauren and greg and will talk about who sucks at dancing...and then watching jordyn with my cowboy hat on totally stoned....it's the highschool dream people and i wouldnt give it up for anything :)


Promises are simply made to be
broken they are so often
times we see only what we
want from you I don't know
how to tell you just how
I feel love and lust and lost ideas
formed in my mind during smoky parties
played out over and over like a broken record
that sings lyrics that fit my heart
lain broken
from you



I believe A sunday is a lot like a picnic with the relatives. It's fun, for yes it is the weekend. However, you know that with a inner sense of dread that tommorow is monday so the fun is detracted. A lot like being on a fun picnic with relatively dull people...

~~Saturday, June 19, 2004~~

Because my dog is apparently afraid of the dark, my mom got her a night light....anyone else find this sorta...well...WEIRD?
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Ok so since I obviously am addicted to the computer I might as well make this my daily rantings too. Sister left today and for those of you who don't know her (be thankful). Valedictorian, graduated Stanford in three years and now anal as hell. So my foil and my foe is related to me- ironic. Luckily she's 9 years older (big age difference because I was adopted) and is the homeowner of some overly expensive apartment in San Fran with her husband who is brain blessed as well. As my parents and sister left for "quality bonding time" I decided to fake a headache and procrastinate packing. I leave for Kansas tomorrow, you know that state that's flat and Dorothy rocks out with that little dog, Frodo or Kiki or something. I'm going to visit relatives, which will actually be fun because I'm sandwiched in age between my two closest cousins- cool cats all around. All I can say is, farm boys + single Cali girl = ....good times



I swear I didn't eat the last pancake....please love me :(
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They call her cooooooooowboy baaaaaaaaaaaby
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EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I heart Bradyn (that's my I heart bradyn face everyone)
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I could run my head through these lies again and again
I could pretend you care and actually meant to wave
I could stare at photographs aged and frozen
And I could simply lose myself in the past we never had
I wish you would see I never meant to
I wish that things had happened now
I wish your smile was meant for me
But instead I'm here instead of there
I realize now I'm meant for more
I realize now I shouldn't have
I realize now said words I didn't mean
Now comes the time when I regret
I regret
I regret
I regret....

~~Friday, June 18, 2004~~

YAY CAMP HAT!!!!....if you share my enthusiasm you're :A) from camp B) a Cowboy or C) Deranged
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I've found a site that most of you will really appreciate. This man is the manager of a strip club, and give a very realistic portrayal of his business. I hold a lot of respect for this man's writings, so give him a glance:http://www.TJsplace.blogspot.com

that's all from me


I won't pretend to be something I'm not
I won't say I've got problems
When quiet woman sell their bodies just to feed their children
I refuse to believe that life is really amazing
When men will die gladly for their different gods
I am not going to be afraid
Of something that wants to change me
Because
I won't pretend to be something I'm not



Just try to remember why we're all here. People come and go through walls and fortresses we all put up to protect ourselves. It's a little habit I'd like to call conforming, a little thing we all divulge once in a while. Shhhh, just for a moment look at the world from the view of someone real.
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Oh, it's HIS butt.....well then, I guess it's okay....but no more butt shots OK kids?
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Who's butt is that?! Ew.....
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Grrrr.....hardcore to the max mi amor
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~~Thursday, June 17, 2004~~

....Now you see why I miss it so much
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My second home...Camp, where I will be for two months...try not to miss me too much kids :)
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Last day of camp last year....picture of me thinking bitterly how I have to leave my home for another year...but now I'm going back!!
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It's definetly a different look than at home huh kids...
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~~Wednesday, June 16, 2004~~

In life
I feel like sometimes letting go
Like sitting on the edge of a bridge, looking out onto a river
Those men you see on TV who sit there sobbing
Hope already down in the raging water below
You see them shaking and feel a fleeting glimpse of compassion for them
But I
I relate to these men sometimes
In life
It's those cold autumn nights that leave you lost
Sitting in a window seat blowing hot air onto frosted panes
Look out and notice me
In life
It's just become easier and easier to sit down and bow your head
Fingers clasped and eyes shut
In life
It's become simpler to use a excuse to come go home
rather than to live under the stars
In life, the world has been turned inside out, enveloping us all


Out upon the evening sky
Lay spread a tangible faith
Lept among the stars it purrs
A divine intuition too great to grasp

Here a mind lay in it's deepest recesses
Poured from the blackest midnight
Stolen from the pools of the deranged
A horrific speculation too horrible to convey

As fog lifts its veil, her eyes are shown
Look, they murmur, how her beauty does glow
Like the brillant sky, her charm is unsung
Her eyes, they whisper in hushed tones, are as raven as the night

But what they fail to see comrades
Is the vacancy from within
For deep within this hallowed place
Lays a writing, wickled, screaming face



Annika I warned you....Kids don't do this at home (or at least don't take pictures)
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Dark....a lot like my sense of humor
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So I've decided after that mad blast of pictures....that this blog will not only be Diane poem land but Diane picture land as well....deal with it :)



Yes, the arrow is pointing the correct way
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Not saying WHO that is....but it's definetly a shirt worthy of owning wouldn't you say?
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My Poet Critic Ladies and Gentlemen 



Friends are good for making you smile :) 



And this is the pup that makes it all okay... 



The poet...looking er....down 


I could
write a poem for you
A simple
proclamation that shows my intent
But how do you show,
show someone how deep they've gotten
just how far into your mind and soul they've probed
I want to thank
you
my friend and so much more for finding,
finding me hidden in the dark
and with those bright eyes and laugh that breaks the shadows off the walls
Remember for years past and gone
Don't forget bright lights, city nights and simple lessons
together we learned, hand in hand
I could
write a poem for you
A simple
splendid ovation would not do you justice
We stand tall and proud and together
Thank you

~~Tuesday, June 15, 2004~~

I do make mistakes
the biggest mistake of my life
was letting you forget who we were
the problem i can't let myself get past
is how i can't get past my feelings and just let you go
so i sit here, snowflake boxers and white sports bra, hair in a bun and chopsticks in hand, staring at what i used to have
and hating myself for letting it go
apologies are hollow, pleading is not enough
so i am stuck in the middle, realizing my errors and knowing there's nothing i can do
a simple statement, anything i could do i would
just t remember what it was like to be cared about again

~~Monday, June 14, 2004~~

A poem for Someone I lost...
if i were to fall
a simple drop that takes my breath away
who would catch me now?
if i find myself crying
and all strength i have is sapped
who would give me the faith i need?
i have no safety, no faith and no hope....
i have just myself
who will save me from this internal tragedy?

~~Sunday, June 13, 2004~~

Irony
A society aimed towards resolving the bad
Shoots and fires and ends up hitting the innocent pedestrian passing out choir flyers
Big tall men in expensive black suits stand tall and looming and rule us all
But hide behind stacks of papers and sturdy oak desks
Teenagers lash out against conformity
And stand together in huddled masses to protest for their individuality
Teachers are the foundation of our society, educating those who will save our lives and bring justice to this world
Yet women sliding down poles wearing nothing are paid a higher salary
Welcome to America, home of fake blondes, fake breasts and real problems

~~Saturday, June 12, 2004~~

A story to read before Dying
It's just a quiet thought written from the back of my mind
A silly proclamation of my feelings in life scrawled on a notebook in the back of the bus
I sit, knees propped up against the dirty plastic seat in front of me
Notepad in my lap, pen behind tapping impatiently between two tired fingers
Hair pushed back into a chipped hair clip, falls out of place as I fight a losing battle to keep it up
Distractions come in the form of crying babies, fighting couples and the constant clank of an underfed engine
But still my pen wears on, silent and strong as a soldier in battle
I may get jostled, and my pen may slip
But the words, they pour from me as they never have before
These words, just letters written on a torn piece of recycled fluff
My mind is whirring, faster and faster urging the pen to write on
And so it toils, deep within this smoky, dark Greyhound
I glance at the man next to me, a business man I guess
He's not carrying luggage, or a briefcase of any kind, which intrigues me, so I will write of him
He merely holds a worn photograph of a little girl in his palms
Angelic and beautiful, she is caught mid laugh as the shutter snaps and the bulb flashes
He cradles the picture tenderly and dearly
He does not notice me glancing at it, for he can not tear his eyes from her
A silent tear slides onto her smile, and slides down her chin and off the picture
I look up suprised, for the man is now crying, shaking silently and still cradling his little girl
I retreat back into my world of unstretched legs and broken hair clips
And my battle wears on, as I write more and more of lost love or angry youth
Once again my attention has hidden from me
It laughs and jumps onto the lap of a young woman two seats up and one seat over
Her eyes lay closed, and lines of worry lay forever etched into her skin
Her head is shaved, as are her eyebrows
She lays so silently, thin and frail
No tears, no voice but just a quiet body being willed to survive
I write of her because simply out of the respect I hold for her
My attention leaps again, into the arms of a little girl running down the aisle
Torn overalls and dirty blonde hair pulled into pigtails, I smile as I see myself so many years before
She runs past me and I smile, and push back my hair instinctively
She pauses in her youthful rush and stops in front of me, suddenly sending a draft of cotton candy and soil air towards me
I inhale the smell of childhood and close my eyes for a moment
They open and my little girl has moved on
My notepad grows restless and shuts its pages
My pen grows weary and retreats into my jacket pocket
My hair grows frusturated and kicks the clip to underneath the plastic seat
My fingers grow cold as the night approaches, and burrow into gloves they have discovered in my pack
My mind grows old and pleads for sleep
Knees still propped up by hardened plastic
I wrap my arms around my body
And glance out the window, down at the enveloping black highway below
As I peer through that sticky, smudged window out into life
I decide to just stay in my seat, writing and thinking about everything that is




For all I've lost
As we turn off the radio that's already gone and thick with static
As I stick my arm out of the window and let the air play games with it
As we roll down the windows and let the hot air pour in
As you press down just a little more on the gas
As we don't look back and just see highway and each other
As the hot sun overhead tries in vain to get to us
As we realize that life is about lost moments
As I watch you reach for my hand and hold it in yours
As I let my hair be whipped and toyed
As all the world seems to have merely fallen asleep in the afternoon sun
As I watch you out of the corner of my eye
As you lay one hand on the wheel, and one with mine
I realize this is something I'll never forgot
Thank you for making the ordinary extraordinary


I don't know if this is going to make sense
The world is faced with a growing aprehension
Scrawled out on church doors and cult floors
Are the writings of a society
Obsessed with an idealistic man
As a society from the dawn
We are taught rules and regulations and beliefs
From sturdy oak desks in private prep schools
Some throw this knowledge away
And travel the world in search of the truth
The rest nod their heads with pasted smiles
We call these men politicians

~~Sunday, June 06, 2004~~

ALright, an abberation from my norm...I was just reading my old blog and found a highly amusing, freshman "bored" list I made that makes me laugh...hahah! see? im laughing! hahaha...oh again! haha oh man its funny, here it goes:

Fun things to when you're hella bored
1.) Dress up in cheesy eighties clothes and sing along to Blink's "First Date"
2.) Put doll clothes on your dog (specially good if you have a four pound poodle)
3.) Put random pieces of clothing in the refrigerator and see how many people comment
4.) Play Monopoly with you parents and on your first turn run away and see what they do.
5.) FLush the toilet 23 times in a row...it gets really hypnotic
6.) Put on headphones and walk around the house pretending to listen to music. When your parents comment on the fact you have no cd player with you, look at them alarmed and go, "but where's the music coming from then?!"
7.) Sing along to Carol Burnett's "Little GIrls" and beat your barbies while doing it (for more realistic results, throw back a coupla bottles of Vodka before)
8.) See how many articles of clothing you can put on at one time.
9.)Sit outside on your driveway and wave at passing by cars...see how many people you can get to wave back.
10.) Ask your parents what this "sex" is that you've been hearing about at school...act dead serious, and really confused.
11.) Speak in old English, and when someone says something, exclaim loudly, "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" and chase the person till they threaten to call the cops...then you run away.
12.) See how many different pop-up ads you can get in one minute on different websites, hold contests with your friends.
13.) Make pointless lists like I am right now
14.) Watch Disney Movies, and find all the similarites in them...there's a ton trust me.
15.) Play video games until you get a blister...it takes a long time
16.) Fill up socks with marbles and see how far you can hurl them.
17.) Hide behind a shrub or on a balcony and throw pebbles at passer-byers. If they look over, smile and say, "Merry CHristmas you bastards!" and then hide.
18.) FInd the top ten funniest/randomist words in the dictionary ex:lignite
19.) Make a top ten list of the poppiest pop songs. ex: Dream, he loves not; No Secrets, Kidz in AMerica
20.) Watch ALL of the Bond movies, and start quoting them on a regular basis.



To my mother I have always been a disapointment
To my father I am his little girl that grew up too fast
To my sister I am a sad shake of the head
And to her husband I am justification for marrying the above
To my friends I am a little too large to nail down to just one little board
To my grandmere I am a state of constant confusion that ceases to end
To my aunts and my uncles I am just an expensive passerby
To my cousins I am just far too above to actually try to pry
And to you, you the reader I'm full of such anger I can't seem to fall out of myself
So I thank, thank the public for trying to pin me down and find me wriggle away
Do I dare?
Do I dare disturb the universe?

Oh, I do...


And I can be a female holden
Full of forgotten dreams and double meanings
I can be that dress left in the dark
The one that doesn't fit

I can be a heroine brave and bold
With a future that's unsteady
I can be the love you never had
Or everything in between

And I know
That the longer I sit here the harder it gets to unwind
So I ask
For a question or answer that shows me why love is so blind

I am just a girl with a message
Screaming in a silent room
I am all the world trapped in one place
Trying to be seen through it all

I am always complicated
maybe exasperated and penetrated
I am still five years old
Feeling hurt and neglect and real pain

And I Know
That you don't want to deal with the pain that I cause anymore
So I ask
Please pick up all you've broken and walk past all the lore

For I know
That this world will get better but for now I am stuck in what's now
Hence I ask
Will you you stopping looking at me and just say what you mean out loud

~~Thursday, June 03, 2004~~

Forgotten friends lay dormant in distant shadows
Laying hapless like earthed mermaids gasping for air
Deep amidst the hallowed gloom
Of their inescapable reverie
They lie reminiscent of the days once loved
Today is not day but in essence their night
For they are the forgotten, the lost and the misplaced
I left a comrade there
As he slipped out of pocket I was not aware
Fell as I ran towards the sun
with my new belongings shiny and bright
He lay like a torn photograph
Being washed with acidic dark
And as his photo slowly disengrated
I didn't look back, though he had left his mark


I want to be remembered...

"To prepare a face to meet the faces you will meet"
- e. e. cummings

[x] Mazie's Blog
[x] Hatter's Blog

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